I'm lonely.

I suppose that's not a very encouraging first entry, but I suppose the benefit of having your own webpage is you get to whine as much as you want.

My job is where I get probably 90% of my social interaction. Sure, there's discord groups and everything, but it just feels more and more disconnected. I don't really get any satisfaction from it.

Up until recently I could handle it. I've never dated, being alone was familiar. Comfortable. Then he comes along, and sticks around just long enough to carve the feeling of being held into my brain, let me know what I'm missing. It was nice. Warm.

Terribly cliche, I know. I'm definitely not the first person to get lead on and catch feelings. But as much as I try to hate him, for several good reasons, I still find myself getting excited at his texts. Wanting his attention. Pathetic.

I was doing so well. Almost over him. Then he tells me he's breaking up with his girlfriend. I play the sympathetic just-friend while my guts twist themselves into knots.

That stupid lonely part of me starts wanting things again.

He won't. And if he did, they'd get back together. And if they didn't, he'd get with someone else. I played the part of rebound diligently, but that's it. "Still friends" - the kind of friendship that only exists in one-sided conversations, if you get a response at all.

The smallest amount of interest. I'll settle for that. Ask how my day went. Send me something and say, "this reminded me of you". Something. Anything. I just want someone to see me. Remind me that I exist somewhere outside of my own head.

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